Skulduggery Pleasant and the Reunion gone Wrong!
by Valkyrie Smith
Summary: This is a collaboration with DeadGirl19, please check her out! This is about the dead men who take a case together with hilarious and amazing results! Trust me, you'll have a laugh. It's a perfectionist world (no Darquesse and Erskine is good but stupid) and its basically just funny to be honest. Have fun!
1. Chapter 1 - The Reunion

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

 **Things to know:**

 **Valkyrie's about 21 years old, and China is Grand Mage. All the Dead Men are alive, and everything after LSODM didn't happen. Ireland won the Sanctuary War, and everything is normal again. Darquesse is not an issue. Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 1 - The Reunion**

Valkyrie and Skulduggery relaxed in the living room of Valkyrie's mansion, which she had inherited three years ago, when she had turned eighteen. Her and Skulduggery were awaiting the arrival of the rest of the Dead Men for a reunion. They hadn't all been together in the same room, or even in the same country, for three years now, and Valkyrie had decided that it had been three years too long.

She had talked to Skulduggery, who had agreed to the idea of a reunion. They had phoned Ghastly next, who also encouraged the plan. Next, they'd contacted Erskine, who, as usual, was eager for a party. He had personally spoken to Dexter and Saracen, who had said that they'd also agreed to be there. Skulduggery had contacted Anton and, to their surprise, he'd agreed to leave the Midnight Hotel to see his friends again.

There was a knock at the door. Valkyrie leapt up and ran to answer it. Standing there were Ghastly and Erskine, a smile on their faces. Ghastly warmly wrapped Valkyrie in a hug, which she eagerly returned. He then walked past her down the hall and into the living room. Erskine gave her a quick hug as well, before following Ghastly. They saw Skulduggery, and the two shook hands with him.

Before Valkyrie even made it back to the living room, there was another knock at the door, and she hastily went back to open it. Standing there, looking well and slightly tanned, was Saracen Rue. She smiled at him, and he gave her a tight hug. "I'll go join Ghastly and Skulduggery in the living room, then," he said, walking down the hall. Valkyrie went to follow, but someone, once again, knocked on the door.

"That's Anton," Saracen called from the living room. And, sure enough, when Valkyrie opened the door, Saracen Rue's power was correct again as Anton Shudder was standing on the doorstep. He smiled at Valkyrie, and embraced her in a strong hug that threatened to break her ribs. He released her, and she gestured for him to enter the living room. She followed behind him, and finally sank down onto the sofa.

Of course, there was a knock on the door a second later. Grumbling, Valkyrie got up and answered the door again, for the third time in less than two minutes. However, her mild anger soon disappeared as soon as she saw Dexter Vex's smiling face at the door. He broke into an even bigger grin when he saw her, and wrapped her in a massive hug, that consisted of him spinning her around off the floor for a few seconds. He eventually released her, and they headed into the living room together.

They sat down on a sofa with Ghastly, and opposite them on another one sat Anton and Erskine. Saracen and Skulduggery shared the final sofa.

"So, what have you guys been up to?" asked Valkyrie.

"Well," said Dexter, Saracen and Erskine together. They looked at each other, annoyed that the others had stolen their chance to speak. They all opened their mouths to speak again, but ended up glaring at one another.

Ghastly sighed. "You lot are already acting up, and you've just gotten through the door. Okay, Dexter, you go first."

"Thank you," said Dexter. "Now, as I was saying-"

"Hey! How come he gets to go first?" Saracen protested. "I've been doing equally interesting things as him!"

"Yeah! Me too!" agreed Erskine.

"I strongly doubt that," said Dexter, and continued quickly before the others could get a word in. "I've been trekking across the Amazon, and I managed to get from one side of the Amazon Rainforest to the other, in one of the quickest times in human history. Then, I went rock climbing in that surrounding area, as well as abseiling and..."

* * *

"... so that was the last thing I did, about a week ago. I barely made it back in one piece from the army of bears, but I pulled through." It had been about half an hour, and Dexter had been recounting his adventures. It had sort of dragged on a little, and the others were fairly... bored.

"Oh, that sounds great, Dex," said Valkyrie, who'd heard snippets of the monologue, but had soon switched off. Dexter's adventures were always extraordinary, but after a while she had come to expect that he would have a heroic adventure and then dodge death, and she always did have a short attention span.

"What about you, Saracen?" she asked, hoping his story was a bit shorter.

"Well, uh, it doesn't matter, actually," he said, seemingly embarrassed. In truth, he had thought that Dexter had been doing similar things to him, not adventuring around the globe. Now his tale seemed a bit... lame.

"Come on, you were eager before," said Ghastly.

"I was in Vegas," mumbled Saracen.

"Vegas?" echoed Anton. "For three years?"

"Yeah."

"Wow... That's low, even for you, Saracen," said Erskine, shaking his head sadly.

"Shut up. I had fun, and that's all that matters."

"Oh, I bet you had fun," teased Skulduggery.

"Not. A. Word," said Saracen, jaw clenched.

"Three years in Vegas... How much money did you lose gambling?" asked Valkyrie.

"Fourteen thousand," muttered Saracen.

"Fourteen thousand?" clarified Erskine.

"Is there a bloody echo in here?!" Saracen half-shrieked, exasperated.

"You idiot!" laughed Erskine. "Fourteen thousand!"

"Well, what were you doing all this time?" asked Saracen.

"I, uh, well," stammered Erskine. "Nothing."

"Let me guess," said Skulduggery. "You were also splashing out the cash, and were probably buying a whole load of new stuff to replace your "old" ones. Like a few new suits, some new cars, maybe even some new villas."

Erskine turned red with embarrassment.

"So let me get this straight," began Saracen. "You were shopping! And you must've spent more than me! How much did you spend?"

"One and a half million," said Erskine sheepishly, whilst the others gasped. "And I wasn't shopping, I ..." Erskine searched for an excuse. "I was spending viable currency on material goods that I wished to purchase," he said, proud of himself.

"That's still shopping, Erskine," sighed Anton.

"Well, what were you doing then, Anton?" asked Erskine. "Cleaning rooms and making breakfasts?"

Anton's expression turned serious and solemn. "I was investigating some strange happenings in my hotel. Guests were reporting sightings of an apparition, or ghost. Every day, I would receive a complaint from a guest that there was a mysterious, pale, glowing figure located in various places in the hotel, always at approximately six o'clock in the evening. It was described to be a young girl, no more than six years of age, always dressed in a long white nightgown. She had bare feet, and her short dark hair was always loose and came down to her shoulders. She apparently ran down corridors, slammed doors... and then she'd just disappear, simply just fade away into the air. Then she'd return the next evening.

"I was suspicious, but had my own assumptions and reasons as to what was actually happening. I decided to investigate, and set up perimeters, with the help of some Sensitive guests at the hotel. One evening, I was sitting at the reception, when a small alarm went off, meaning that the perimeter had been breached in the basement. I approached, determined to catch the 'ghost' in the act. And then I saw her, exactly as described.

"She was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the basement, and her head was down. I was cautious, but slowly approached until I was right in front of her. I opened my mouth to speak, planning to get to the bottom of the situation. But before I could utter a word, her head snapped up, quick as a flash, and she looked me right in the eye.

"I stepped back in shock, for her eyes... she had no pupils, no irises. They were just black. All of it just such a dark, eerie shade of black. She got up and advanced as I retreated, and I led her up out of the basement. She followed me back into the main reception area, and I stepped outside the hotel. She followed, but as soon as she emerged into the dark of the evening, she disappeared.

"I never saw her again, but sometimes in the Midnight Hotel, if you listen closely, you can hear, and even see, various doors slamming shut by themselves. And sometimes you can see writing on the wall, mysteriously appearing by itself. And it says," Anton paused, and the others leant in with anticipation. "It says 'Anton Shudder... FOOLED THE DEAD MEN'!" he roared, making them all scream out in fright- even Skulduggery. Anton laughed at their reactions, whilst they quietly fumed to themselves.

"You bunch of gullible fools!" he exclaimed, once he had regained his composure. "Is three years all it takes for you to believe in a ghost story?!"

Just then, Valkyrie's phone rang, making them all jump with fright. She laughed weakly, then hastily answered the phone.

"Yeah," she was saying to whoever the other person was. "No. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. No. Okay. What? Yeah, yeah. Really? Today? Why? Are you sure? Should I bring the others? No. Sort of. Will do. The gorilla? Oh, the hyena. Are you sure it's not the flamingo? Oh yeah, it could be the warthog... Yeah, alright. So when should we meet you? Okay, cool. Bye," she hung up, and turned back to the others, who were all looking at her with confusion.

"Gorilla? Flamingo? What the hell?" Dexter frowned.

Valkyrie grinned. "Never you mind, Dexter. Anyway, China said to meet her at the Sanctuary; we have a case about some serial murders. She knew that you guys were in the country again, and asked if you wanted to tag along..."

The other Dead Men nodded enthusiastically, and soon they were all on their way to the Sanctuary.

* * *

 **Yay! Please check out DeadGirl19, her stories have loads of Dead Men action, its awesome!**


	2. Chapter 2 - The Scene of the Crime!

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/ - Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter 2 - The Scene of the Crime**

The Bentley pulled up to a small, three-bedroom house, and came to a gentle stop. There were other investigators milling around, waiting for the detectives to gather what they could from the scene before they pulled it apart for physical and hidden evidence. Valkyrie watched the people eating sandwiches and drinking coffee. She felt ill just looking at them.

She, Skulduggery and their new Dead Men escort had been checking out the other connected scenes all day. China had called them to her office and given them a complete rundown of the case they were being assigned. She had been completely against the rest of the men coming along as soon as they had started to get on her nerves, but had accepted it just to get them out of her office. Or rather, Saracen, Erskine and Skulduggery, because they were annoying the hell out of her. Valkyrie was astounded she hadn't just ordered their executions.

They had seen two crime scenes already, and they were sure this one was connected just from the report – brutal and sacrificial in style. The first scene had been of a single man, no family or pets. He had lived in a small but expensive apartment, which he had just bought after getting a promotion at work. When they had arrived at the apartment, his ankles had been tied by a rope and his body was suspended from the ceiling. He had been beaten and most of his bones snapped.

In the second scene, there was a young couple, the woman pregnant. The man had received the same as the first victim, but the woman had been cut severely on every available inch of skin, and was found lying face up on the kitchen table.

Valkyrie and Skulduggery got out of the car, and they let a quiet Erskine out of the back. The van was too small to fit all of the others into, so Erskine had been nominated to be babysat by the detectives. Skulduggery had wanted to put him in the boot, but Erskine had motion sickness, meaning that Skulduggery had been forced to put him on the back seats of the car.

The van in question pulled up behind the Bentley, and the men filed out. Their enthusiasm for the case had been deflated somewhat, but they still wanted to see it through to the end.

"Are you sure you want to go into this one?" Skulduggery muttered to Valkyrie.

She sighed. "Not really. But it's my job, and I can't be a detective if I can't even observe the scene."

"It doesn't matter. There are children involved this time. You don't have to come in. I could assign you a task, like… calling in a favour."

Valkyrie looked at him as they all walked to the front of the house. "We have no favours to call in yet. We have no leads. I would just be talking to a phone with no one on the other end. You would tease me about it later. Saracen will say I was talking to an imaginary boyfriend or something."

"No I wouldn't," Saracen defended. "I would say it was an imaginary girlfriend."

Valkyrie ignored him, and they came to a stop outside the open front door. "I'm doing this, and you can't stop me. That said, I retain the right to flee if I decide the situation requires it."

They all walked into the house and were directed to the living room. The father was there, beaten and tied to the ceiling. The Dead Men stayed to the side, in order to ensure that they did not ruin any evidence, whilst the detectives looked for clues.

Blood had dripped all over the floor, and it made it hard to find anything. Once again, there was no sign of a struggle.

"Magic?" Valkyrie asked Skulduggery.

He pulled out a handful of rainbow dust, and sprinkled it. "Nothing," he muttered.

Valkyrie nodded, and turned to search the rest of the house. She didn't have far to go. In the kitchen, a teenage boy, no more than fifteen, was hung just like his father.

"Skulduggery!" She shouted. "I found another one."

He trailed in and they did the same tasks to find nothing. They went upstairs and found the mother, face up on the floor with hundreds of cuts. No leads were found. The other child, an eighteen year old girl, was in her bedroom, on her bed. She had been asleep when killed and had been left in bed. She, too, was covered in cuts but Skulduggery determined that was done once the girl was dead.

All of them left the building disappointed.

"I thought you were supposed to be amazing detectives," Erskine complained. "But you haven't found anything."

"We can't find something that isn't there," Valkyrie snapped.

"We do have some clues, though," Skulduggery said. "Like, there were two killers, and possibly another person as look-out but not involved in actual kills. One of them kills females, the other males. They don't have a specific pattern of killing, as far as we can see, other than they all had white skin. That, however, may only be coincidental, because the first person was a Jew, the couple had no religion or other cultural background other than normal Irish, and the family were from England and were Christian. They're completely different."

"What about numbers?" Dexter suddenly asked. Everyone stared at him. "What? The first killing was one. The second could be looked at as two, but the baby makes three, so it could be seen as both. This one is four."

"No," Skulduggery said, shaking his skull. "A killer's pattern is obvious and precise. If numbers was their thing, they wouldn't leave it to option as for if you saw killing number two as two or three people."

Dexter deflated.

"Right," Valkyrie said. "We have a guess on the amount of killers and we know they both have a certain style. The killers, or at the very least the one killing the men, have done it in such a way that it is almost flawless. I mean, they've cut holes into the ceiling for the rope without magic, and not with a saw. And there is never any evidence behind. I say they've killed before."

"That's what I was thinking," Skulduggery agreed. "And do you know what that means?"

Valkyrie groaned, and followed an enthusiastic Skulduggery back to the Bentley.

"Exactly!" he eagerly said to her.

"What's he on about?" Ghastly asked Erskine, hoping his time in Skulduggery's car had given him some miraculous insight.

"Not a clue," he said.

They all looked at Saracen. He looked bewildered for a moment, like he had no idea why they would do that, before spluttering, "I sure as hell don't know. Only Valkyrie knows what half of what he says actually means."

They let it slide because they all knew what Skulduggery was like, and got into the van.

"Erskine, you twit, get in the car!" Valkyrie shouted from behind him. "Seriously, how many times do I have to hit you?"

"Not as many as you're thinking, I'll bet!" he pronounced proudly.

Valkyrie shook her head and shoved him. "Get in," she commanded. He did, and Valkyrie moved her seat back and buckled up.

"So," Erskine began, trying to be casual and failing epically. "Where are we going, and what exactly will we do first when we get there?"

Valkyrie groaned again. "Research at the Sanctuary, you twit."

Erskine groaned as well, and texted 'Research at Sanc! :(' to the others.

In the other car, there was much groaning and swearing.

* * *

 **I hope** your **enjoying! I can't remember which one's me and DeadGirl19 did but I think I remember doing this. Maybe...**


	3. Chapter 3 - Super Space Files

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

* * *

 **Chapter 3 - Super Space of Files for the Sparta**

The new file room in the Sanctuary was quite impressive. Even Valkyrie secretly knew it. It consisted of two floors of shelving, cabinets and other ways of filing without technology. It included files on the living and dead, different moments in history that affected people, important bits about the Sanctuary, all the criminal files, everything.

She had dubbed the old file room the 'Mystical Room of Magical Cabinets'. So the new one, of course, was called the 'Super Space of Files for the Sparta'.

"Why do we need to keep this rubbish?" Erskine asked. "It just sits there."

"For later research," Skulduggery muttered, already looking through a cabinet.

"Well," Valkyrie said. "Maybe we need the historical ones. And the ones on mages, and obviously the criminal files. But the other ones aren't needed. And if they are, then not for a long time."

Skulduggery sighed and Valkyrie smirked, knowing he was admitting defeat. She, Dexter, Erskine and Saracen all sat down at one of the tables. The other three started hunting through different files with hopes of finding something.

Two hours had passed. Other than the occasional, "I found something! Oh, no, it's nothing", there had been nothing at all to see, do or to distract them. Valkyrie was bored. Very, very bored.

Saracen and Dexter had both snoozed off. Valkyrie took a moment to glare at them for leaving her bored and without intelligent conversation.

"Valkyrie?" Erskine asked.

She said nothing.

"Valkyrie?"

Nothing.

"Valkyrie? I have something important to show you," he said.

Valkyrie sighed, and started to regret her response in advance to make sure she got enough regret in. "Yes?"

He passed her a piece of paper. She opened it. There was a picture of a smiley face with its tongue out, and a speech bubble saying 'Hi!" in it.

Valkyrie took a deep breath. "What is this?"

"A picture," Erskine replied.

Ghastly had come up behind her with tea, and was looking at the picture. He frowned, wondering what the hell was going on.

"And why, pray tell, did you want me to see this?"

He shrugged. "I was bored and wanted to annoy you for fun."

Everything was still and silent for a moment as Valkyrie digested his insanity and Ghastly, Skulduggery and Anton watched for the moments they loved.

Valkyrie launched herself out of her chair and over the table. Erskine squealed like a dog as Valkyrie grabbed him by the collar and pulled him towards her.

"What is wrong with you?!" She screamed at him. Dexter and Saracen jerked awake, but she decided to deal with them later.

"Nothing, I swear!" He shouted.

"Then why the hell did you decide to purposefully annoy me? Huh? Because you were bored? That's a stupid reason!" She slapped him across the face. "This is-" slap "-what-" slap "-happens-" slap "-when you-" slap "-annoy me!"

"Stop! I swear, I won't do it again! Please!" he screamed. He hadn't realised Valkyrie had actually let go of him completely, and he was actually hanging there as something to slap of his own accord.

"Then prove it," she growled. She slid off of the table and grabbed his wrist, before dragging him over to Dexter and Saracen, who were silently laughing, tears streaming down their faces. She slapped Saracen.

"Hey!"

"Shut up. You, Dexter and the idiot need to go get dinner. Now!"

"Why? And why didn't you hit Dexter?"

"Just do it!" she yelled.

They jumped to their feet and ran from the room. She hoped they'd bring back pizza, but they had already left and she didn't want to go all the way over to the door to shout it to them.

She sat back down and looked over to the still laughing Ghastly and Skulduggery. Anton was smiling slightly as he looked through a file.

"What are you doing? Get on with it," she instructed.

"You know, we'd be done quicker with a bit of help," Skulduggery called to her.

"Do you want the town morons helping you?"

"No. But you could help," he said, quickly noticing and dodging the trap she set up for him.

"Don't wanna," she mumbled, already falling back into her state of despair and boredom.

It took a long while for the food run to get back. When they did, they were dragging an unconscious Erskine, the boxes that held the Chinese looked slightly crushed, and Dexter had a bloody nose. Saracen looked annoyed.

No one bothered to ask any questions other than if the food had been on the floor – which it hadn't – and they all took a break to eat dinner. They were silent the whole time they ate, mostly because they threatened to take Erskine's food away and duct tape his lips, since duct tape solves everything, and they were working again in no time.

It was just when Valkyrie was about to drift off when Skulduggery, the only one left working and the only one other than Valkyrie still awake, came up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. He shook her slightly and she grunted in her daze.

"Don't scrunch up your face like that, you look like a demented pug that ran into several screen doors as a puppy," he whispered.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes behind her closed eyelids before sitting up and scowling at him. He was smiling in his skeletal way.

"What did you find?" she asked expectantly.

"Foe's criminal files. You remember Vincent Foe, right?"

"Sure," she replied, looking more awake. "I thought he worked in his little group, like the Diablo?"

"Yup. Except he didn't always kill in a group," he said, leading her over to the file cabinets.

"See here," he gestured to the page, "it says all about his kills from when he was a teenager, and a few years after that before he started to train in being an assassin and met what became his group. He always killed the same way, you see. He'd wait for the victim to be relaxed somewhere and then he would beat them, and he was always strong enough to do this without any fear of the person being strong enough after the first hit to fight back. Within moments, he'll have them strung up and then he can kill them, after tormenting them a bit. However, he only ever killed men, because when he was a child, women were seen as below men, and he didn't think they were worth his time."

"Pig," Valkyrie muttered.

"Actually, it was quite lucky. A lot less people were killed by him because of that simple fact. Anyway, the crimes we have found are in correlation to this."

"What about the women though?" Valkyrie asked. "I bet it was another one of his group. I bet it was that stupid, three timing, ugly little cow bag that did it."

Skulduggery nodded. "AKA, Mercy Charient."

"Go get her file," Valkyrie said. Skulduggery looked at her for a moment, then sighed and got it. He came back to her, and they went through the file. It matched the killings of the women, except her solo kills weren't usually restricted to women; she'd done it because the men had already been dubbed by Foe. Valkyrie made some very rude comments about her and how she took her anger out on the females because no males were left behind for her, getting so loud that she was able to wake everyone else up although she wasn't sorry and made that clear.

Once they had all been settled down and told of the findings, they decided that the work was probably that of the whole group rather than just Skulduggery.

That decided, they talked about a few different ideas in order to put them to a stop, but in the end, Skulduggery suggested that he finds out where they were staying, while the rest of them slept.

They all split up to the different houses – Skulduggery to his, Ghastly to his, everyone else to Gordon's – to sleep on it.

* * *

 **Hehe so much fun! I think this one was written half and half by the two of us, but again I can't remember. We wrote this about 2 years ago and sat on it because we were busy with school and it got forgot about, so that's why I'm struggling to remember.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Grand Mage from Hell

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

* * *

 **Chapter 4 – Grand Mage from hell**

Having deduced that Vincent and his gang were behind the killings, the Dead Men were able to track them down the next day, to a flat in the west of the country. They had arranged themselves into three cars, as the flat had three exits, determined to catch the gang.

Saracen and Dexter were in the first car, Valkyrie and Skulduggery had bagged the Bentley together, and Ghastly and Anton were sharing the last car with Erskine. Erskine had originally intended to go with Saracen and Dexter, but the others soon realised that if those three were put together, nothing would get done. So, Erskine would either have gone in the Bentley, or in Anton's car. Skulduggery had given a half-hour lecture on why Erskine should not go in the Bentley, and Valkyrie had topped it all off by whining for ten minutes straight. Ghastly and Anton had given in and had accepted to have Erskine in the car with them, as long as he sat in the middle seat in the back, with his seatbelt done up at all times. The giving in had been pretty soon into the lecture but once the detectives got going, nothing stopped them.

Each car was equipped with walkie talkies, and it seemed that Erskine was making the most of this fact. "Grand Mage to Princess, Grand Mage to Princess, do you read me? Over," he said in the walkie talkie. No one bothered to answer him.

"Grand Mage to Princess, I know you're in the Bentley with Sherlock, over," he continued, but when it became clear that neither Princess Peach nor Sherlock Bones were answering, he set his sights on Saracen and Dexter.

"Grand Mage to Excess Pounds and Sharp Abs, Grand Mage to Excess Pounds and Sharp Abs, do you read me?" he asked, then cursed. "Grand Mage to Excess Pounds and Sharp Abs, I forgot to say over, over."

Saracen and Deter ignored him, and the fact he'd given himself a name he'd given up soon after realising he was a rubbish leader several years ago, too. Erskine tried Anton and Ghastly, even though they were sitting in the car with him. They blamed themselves for this – they were the ones that had given Erskine the walkie talkie in the first place, as a means of getting him to shut up.

"Grand Mage to Hotel and Green Tea, are you there? Over."

He frowned. "Can somebody give me a damn answer?!" he yelled into the walkie talkie.

"SHUT UP!" everyone answered.

Once Erskine's walkie talkie had been taken away from him, everyone sat back and tried to relax, in what had so far been a tedious stakeout. As the sun began to descend and disappear below the horizon, Valkyrie yawned.

"I'm bored," she whined. Skulduggery turned to her.

"Hello Bored. I'm Skulduggery," he said. She glared at him.

"I am feeling bored," she amended through gritted teeth.

"Only boring people get bored," he said.

She intensified her glare. "You're not helping the situation."

"I apologise."

"Why isn't anything happening?"

"Valkyrie, tiny particles consisting of the chemicals chlorine and bromine are being distributed via pollution, and are deteriorating the ozone layer. Consequently, more ultraviolet rays are getting through to the earth from the sun, increasing global temperature, which in turn is melting the ice in the Arctic circle, killing various animals. You can hardly say that nothing's happening, Valkyrie."

"Oh, shut up," she muttered, and began to sulk.

"Any movement yet, guys?" Dexter asked over the walkie talkie.

"No, nothing yet," came Anton's reply.

"No, nothing's happening," said Skulduggery. Dexter could hear Valkyrie saying something smug in the background about global warming. He turned to Saracen.

"This is boring," he stated.

"Correct," said Saracen. "I can think of a million other things to be doing right now."

"Let me guess – most of them involve a bed?"

"Of course," Saracen smirked.

"Remember that time at that party in Geneva, where everyone was drunk, and you called me over to the side of the room, and we-"

"Oh yeah! Good times, Dex, good times."

"You were really good.

"I try my best. You weren't too bad yourself."

"Well, I might have improved..."

"Is that an invitation?"

"What would you say if it was?" asked Dexter. He froze. "HOLY CRAP! SARACEN, I FORGOT TO TURN THE WALKIE TALKIE OFF!"

Saracen paled. "You mean..."

Dexter leaned back. "Yup."

"Please, carry on, guys," teased Valkyrie. "Keep chatting about 'old times'."

Dexter swore at Valkyrie. Skulduggery swore at Dexter. Saracen swore at Dexter. Erskine helpfully swore at Anton. Anton swore back and punched him.

"Can you all stop swearing?!" said Ghastly, exasperated. Everyone muttered apologies.

"I didn't swear!" exclaimed Valkyrie.

"Good for you," said Dexter, still annoyed and embarrassed. "Do you want a medal?"

"Guys, Mercy just left the flat," Saracen said, as Mercy was seen walking from the flat entrance he and Dexter were watching.

"Quick – follow her," said Skulduggery, as Dexter pulled away and took off after Mercy, keeping at a safe and discreet distance.

"Is anything happening?" asked Ghastly.

"Not yet," replied Dexter.

"Well, actually-" Skulduggery began, ready to give his ozone layer lecture, but Valkyrie elbowed him sharply in the ribs. A few moments later, Vincent also left the flat.

"Vincent's out as well," said Valkyrie. "We're following him." Skulduggery manoeuvred the Bentley so that it was following Vincent at a steady pace, far enough away so that suspicions hopefully wouldn't be raised.

A minute or so later, Obloquy and Samuel also exited the flat together. "We're following Obloquy and the vampire now," said Ghastly.

Skulduggery watched as Vincent took out his phone, pressed a few buttons, then held it to his ear. "Vincent's on the phone," he said.

"So's Mercy," said Saracen, at the same time that Anton said, "And the vampire."

"They're all talking to each other," said Valkyrie. "What about?"

"As soon as I've mastered the art of mind reading," said Skulduggery, "I'll let you know."

She rolled her eyes, and watched as Vincent turned down into an alleyway.

The Bentley took a parallel route, and then pulled up near to where the alley led. Vincent walked out, and continued on down the road.

Eventually, he led them to an abandoned building. Valkyrie saw Mercy, Obloquy and Samuel already there waiting, and the four of them pushed open the graffitied door, and disappeared inside. Valkyrie glimpsed the others in the surrounding area.

"Should we go in?" asked Dexter via the walkie talkie.

"Yes," decided Skulduggery. "We have the element of surprise, and hopefully a better arsenal at our disposal. The numbers work to our advantage."

"Come on, then," said Valkyrie, and she and Skulduggery got out of the car, and walked up to the building door. It had been left open.

Ghastly, Anton, Saracen, Dexter and Erskine came up behind them, and as one they burst through the door, and spread out along the side of the large empty room that they had entered into.

For an abandoned building, it was surprisingly clean, and now that Valkyrie thought about things... why didn't the four of them just leave all together if they were heading towards the same destination – why did Mercy have to go first, then Vincent, then Obloquy and Samuel? Why would Vincent need to phone them again, if he had just spoken to them? In fact, things barely made any sense, like how they'd left the door open...

Too late, Valkyrie realised that they had walked right into a trap. She glanced at Skulduggery, and he inclined his head slightly, indicating that he had just figured it out, too. Judging by their annoyed faces, the other Dead Men had worked it out as well.

The door they had entered through slammed shut, and Vincent Foe came walking out from behind them. Mercy dropped down from the ceiling, taking up a fighter's stance on the left of Vincent in front of the Dead Men, and Obloquy and Samuel wordlessly stood on the right of him. Valkyrie hadn't even seen them enter.

"Vincent Foe, Mercy Charient, Obloquy and Samuel, by the order of the Sanctuary, you are under arrest," said Skulduggery.

Vincent laughed. "On what charges?"

"Various murders all over the country," replied Skulduggery simply.

"And your evidence?"

Skulduggery sighed. "Stop avoiding the obvious, Vincent. It clearly was you and your merry little gang. Now come and surrender, there's a good homicidal serial killer."

"And if we resist arrest?" asked Mercy.

"Then we will have to use force," said Valkyrie.

Vincent pretended to think for a minute. "Very well then, use your 'force'. But first, let's even up the numbers a little..." He trailed off as Sanguine erupted out of the ground beside Obloquy, and, with a blur of movement, Dusk was standing beside Mercy.

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Dusk? What business do you have with them? Sanguine just goes where the money is, but what are you here for?"

Dusk shrugged. "We have a deal, skeleton. The details do not concern you in any way."

"In case you haven't noticed," said Dexter, "It's seven versus six. You're still outnumbered."

"Oh yes, the final member of my team," said Vincent. He moved to the left slightly, as Tesseract walked in and stood next to him.

Erskine paled, and Valkyrie and Ghastly stepped back slightly, warily, remembering their previous battle with him. Skulduggery tilted his head. "How are you here? I watched you die."

"I died," Tesseract said in his Russian accent, "then I was brought back to life. Have you heard, Detective, of Solomon Wreath?"

Skulduggery bristled, and Valkyrie felt anger flare up inside her. "He used some Necromancer trick, didn't he?" she asked. "Like with the Black Cleaver."

"Correct," said Tesseract, his mask slightly muffling his words, yet the venom in them was still evident.

"Now," Vincent said, "where were we...?"

And with that, Mercy let out a stream of energy from her mouth, hurtling towards Valkyrie.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading again! I'm certain this was written by DeadGirl19, I kept laughing the whole way! I hope you enjoyed! :)**


	5. Chapter 5 - That's Secret!

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

* * *

 **Chapter 5 - That's Secret!**

Valkyrie dodged the stream, diving out of the way as all hell broke loose. She glimpsed Skulduggery charging at Tesseract, as Ghastly ran at Obloquy. Erskine summoned fire into his hands, which he proceeded to hurl at Sanguine, whilst Saracen ducked an energy stream from Vincent. Dexter and Anton ran at Samuel and Dusk, and the room was full of kicks, punches and magic.

Valkyrie ducked as Mercy lashed a kick out at where her head had been a split-second earlier, and flipped Mercy over her hip as she straightened. She kicked her continuously, until Mercy grabbed her foot in her hand and threw her off balance and into the wall. Valkyrie stood up on shaky legs, and quickly sidestepped a punch, instead throwing several of her own. Mercy deflected most of them, and let out another stream of energy from her mouth. It struck Valkyrie's stomach, and even though her protective jacket was on, she still felt the impact and was instantly winded.

Mercy quickly advanced, and grabbed Valkyrie's hair, slamming her head into the ground roughly. Valkyrie rebounded and blinked rapidly as stars filled her vision, and she could just about make out Mercy getting bigger. Why's she getting bigger? Valkyrie wondered to herself. Oh, she's running towards me, she realised, then her eyes widened as she comprehended what she was seeing. Mercy lashed out a violent kick to her ribs, powered and fuelled by the speed at which she had sprinted at her, and Valkyrie once again felt all her breath leave her.

Valkyrie lay on the ground, looking up at Mercy as she leaned over her and sneered. "Not so tough now, are you, Cain?"

Valkyrie gathered shadows in her hand discreetly. "For someone who's name is 'Mercy', you don't show a lot of compassion," she muttered, as the shadows sharpened and prepared for an attack.

"Well, that's your problem, isn't it?" said Mercy sweetly, and Valkyrie waited until she was about to attack, and then shot her shadows at her. They pierced into Mercy, holding her against the wall as they drove through her arms and legs. Mercy screamed in pain and frustration, trapped.

Meanwhile, Erskine dodged behind a table as Sanguine ran at him with his razor. Forgetting that Sanguine could either go under, over or around the table to get to him, Erskine balled up his fists and waited for Sanguine to come at him from the left.

He waited. There was shouting from the rest of the room, but Erskine was focused, was on the top of his game, was about to beat Sanguine into a heap of –

Sanguine tapped his shoulder and Erskine shrieked as he turned and punched Sanguine in the nose.

Blood instantly started to flow, but Sanguine just growled and swiped at Erskine with his razor. Erskine jumped back, and punched the wrist the blade was in. Sanguine grunted, but didn't let go. They looked at each other for a moment and everything went still. Then, Erskine tackled him, not at all bothered about the blade that Sanguine could kill him with from a thousand angles, and pushed him backwards.

They tripped on a chair that had been pushed to the side, and fell down. On the floor, they started to grapple. Erskine held down the hand that held the blade, and hit Sanguine in the face, but Sanguine took the punches and started to shift his weight.

"Stop wiggling!" Erskine shouted. "It's really weird!"

"Shut up, you buffoon!" Sanguine shouted back in his strange voice.

Erskine would have laughed at the wiggling, funny-speaking man, but at that moment, Sanguine pushed up his hips sharply and they flipped all the way over. Erskine landed on his back with Sanguine above him, punches raining down onto his face.

Eventually, Erskine was able to realise that Sanguine had lost his razor somewhere, and that was why he was being hit and not sliced. He turned his head to the side in-between a punch and saw it lying on the floor.

He gritted his teeth and held out his hand. Seconds later, the razor was in his hand, the blade shining –

And then it was inside Sanguine's shoulder.

Sanguine screamed and rolled off of Erskine. "You idiot! Look at what you've done," he exclaimed, pointing at the bloody hole in his arm.

Erskine glared as much like Anton as he could. "I meant to get your head," he growled. He hadn't, but it sounded like a good comeback.

Sanguine growled, and sank into the ground. Erskine jumped up and looked around, trying to hear where he'd gone, but he had no clue where Sanguine now was. Only that he was holding the blade that Sanguine would definitely be wanting back.

On the other side of the room, Ghastly was throwing all he had at the dumb giant, punch after punch raining down on his flesh. All of a sudden, Ghastly sank to his knees, clutching his temples.

Pain, a voice pierced into his skull. Pain.

Ghastly concentrated, focused on one thought in particular. Skulduggery in a fairy outfit, fluttering his wings and flying away. Ghastly held that image in his mind, and soon the feeling of pain lessened as it became drowned out and overshadowed.

Ghastly slowly got to his feet, and changed the thought to something else. To his mother, the champion boxer that she was, beating the hell out of Obloquy. With each mental kick, the real Obloquy staggered.

All of a sudden, Ghastly straightened up, and once again began beating the life out of Obloquy. Too stunned to react or defend himself, the giant fell, and a sharp kick to the head meant that he was unconscious.

Meanwhile, Saracen ducked under Vincent's right hook, and kicked him hard in the shins. Vincent growled at Saracen's pathetically weak kick and went to punch him again. Saracen ducked, ran under his arm, and went for a chair.

Saracen looked panicked, and stood behind the chair, trying to find something to use for his next move. When Vincent got just within reach, Saracen grabbed the chair, swung it to the side and smashed it into Vincent's ribs.

The chair cracked and broke. Vincent cried out, but didn't fall down. Blood dripped from some large splinters in his arm and shoulders, but he didn't seem to care. The brute stood there looking mad for a moment, and Saracen used his power to work out what he was doing. He couldn't effectively work out his next move otherwise. But what on earth would–

Saracen threw himself down to the floor as Vincent sent twin beams of orange energy shooting at him, singing the ground only a metre behind him. Catching onto Vincent's plan, he rolled over, huffed as he pulled himself up, and started to run away. Vincent's orange energy trailed him, trying to kill him, but Saracen just ran faster.

He got out of range and shrieked when he realised Vincent was following him. He ducked and dived, rolled and spun, miraculously avoiding being hit by the energy.

Behind him, Vincent swore viciously, and continued to follow the large man who was sweating and panting, but somehow staying out of reach.

Meanwhile, Skulduggery was throwing everything he had at Tesseract. He used each of the elements, one by one, but to no avail. He drew the moisture from the air – which was a lot, thanks to Saracen's sweating – and gathered it into a large ball of water. Then, super quickly, he shot the ball at Tesseract. The power of the wave of water meant that Tesseract was sent flying into the wall behind him, but just as Skulduggery was about to move in for the killing blow, Tesseract casually stood up and brushed the dust off his clothes. He walked back to his place in front of Skulduggery, smiling behind his mask.

Skulduggery summoned fire into his hands, then poured more of his magic into it, so that they became two large fireballs. He snarled, and hurled the fireballs at Tesseract.

Tesseract managed to dodge one of them, but was struck by the second. His clothes caught fire, and his skin burned beneath them. But almost as quickly as the fire began, it stopped, and his skin healed itself.

Skulduggery tilted his head. "How are you doing that?"

Tesseract just looked at him, and didn't answer.

Suddenly, it all clicked in Skulduggery's brain. "You're a Necromancer trick, meaning you're dead. It also means that you have the ability to heal yourself. Like the Grotesquery. Well, it looks like I've got a hard job on my hands."

Skulduggery manipulated the air, compressing and retracting at all the perfect angles. Tesseract should have been shot off his feet, but he instead began running towards Skulduggery, moving through the manipulation with ease, like it wasn't even there.

Out of nowhere, Saracen ran up to Skulduggery, seemingly trying to hide behind him as Vincent approached. Skulduggery shoved him out of the way, accidentally right into Vincent's path. Saracen shrieked, and ran off in the other direction.

Skulduggery ran to meet Tesseract, and immediately began kicking and punching him, not giving him a chance to gather his bearings. He got him in a lock that ordinarily no one would be able to get out of. However, somehow Tesseract twisted Skulduggery's body around, so that now he was administering his own lock. He wrenched Skulduggery's arm backwards, and Skulduggery screamed as the bone cracked.

Skulduggery flipped Tesseract backwards over his hip, and straddled him, punches raining down onto his chest and neck, as he was unable to get under Tesseract's mask. Tesseract flipped up, pushing Skulduggery off him, and he grabbed Skulduggery's arm and pulled with inhumane strength. Skulduggery cried out in pain as his arm was pulled right out of its socket.

Skulduggery looked at his severed arm as it dangled limply in Tesseract's hand. "That was my favourite arm," he said, almost sadly. He pulled out his revolver, and, before Tesseract could react, he shot him six times in the skull.

Tesseract flung the arm across the room, and started to laugh at Skulduggery's pathetic assassination attempt, but faltered. He frowned behind his mask as his body began to shut down, unable to regenerate and heal. The corpse that was once Tesseract fell to the ground, now motionless.

"Destroy the brain, the body can't mend itself," Skulduggery muttered. He looked around for his severed arm, which he could no longer see.

"Where the hell is it?" he wondered aloud to himself, and he began to search.

On the other side of the room, Anton was going one on one against Dusk, holding him off quite well. He administered punch after punch, but it only seemed to anger Dusk. Then the dynamic of the fight changed.

Pale rays of moonlight seeped in through cracks in the roof, seeming to illuminate the vampires, bathing them in an unholy spotlight. Anton paused for a second. It was night.

Dusk and Samuel began to violently shudder, and then ripped off their skin, hair and clothes, revealing their true vampire forms. They snarled, and continued to advance on their opponents.

Anton gave Dusk a lethal punch to his jaw, and Dusk staggered back. Anton moved in to follow up the manoeuvre with a kick to the shin, but too late he realised that the stagger was a feint, and Dusk suddenly lashed out, driving his claws across Anton's chest.

Anton fell to one knee, and Dusk came at him again, raking his claws across his back. Enough was enough. It was time to end it.

Anton stood up on shaky legs, and ripped open his shirt.

His gist came out, screeching, and shot towards Dusk. It clawed at his face, and punched and kicked, and within seconds Dusk was unconscious. Anton reined it back in, using all the strength he could muster, and when it was safely back inside, he allowed himself a moment's rest, leaning against the wall, panting heavily.

Dexter, meanwhile, hadn't even had a chance to run. Samuel ran right at him, throwing a right hook that Dexter ducked under. Dexter punched his ribs and wrapped his arms around his neck in a clinch, pulling his head down. Samuel, unfortunately, knew the move and clinched Dexter back, kicking his knees and toppling them both to the ground.

From there, they grappled, both trying to be the one on top, both trying to have the upper hand. Dexter knew it was almost time for sundown, and definitely did not want to be the one underneath when the real vampire came out to play.

Dexter flipped them over so he was on top, and pulled himself up to sit on Samuel's chest, and rained down punches, going for the eyes, cheeks and neck, avoiding the mouth – or, more accurately, the teeth – to keep his hands attached to his body.

Samuel's eyes suddenly went black. His body started to shake.

Dexter swore violently and launched his body off of him, watching in awe and anger as Samuel screamed and ripped off his skin. Samuel jumped up onto his feet and got blasted by Dexter's purple energy. It made him shake and scream in an animalistic way, but Dexter wanted to make him angry, wanted him to be hungry for only his blood. Because then the rest of his spontaneous little plan would work.

Dexter cut off the stream and ran to his left, the vampire roaring in anger and chasing him down. They passed Erskine, who didn't even bother to notice them, without incident, and Dexter just managed to stay ahead of Samuel's snapping, drooling jaws. He took a tight turn when he started to feel breath against his back, and the vampire overshot and hit a wall, giving Dexter a bit of a head start.

Suddenly, Saracen was in front of him. Dexter shouted a warning and Saracen screeched bloody murder, went to go backward, realised he still had a pursuer, and turned towards a quickly-advancing Dexter and an angry vampire. Dexter saved his friend's small and simple brain from working too hard and broke right, sweat dampening his forehead. He wished he was wearing his running trainers instead of his cowboy boots. He had thought they would make him look cool, but hadn't thought of how impractical they would be.

 _No_ , he suddenly thought. _Damn it!_

Valkyrie was up ahead, pinning Mercy to the wall. Dexter couldn't stop, couldn't turn anywhere. They were in a corner now, so even if he did, Samuel would overshoot and hit Valkyrie, possibly killing her in the process.

"Valkyrie!" he shouted. "Vampire your way!"

Valkyrie turned around, keeping Mercy up, and swore even worse than he had. She practically flew out the way, Dexter following in her wake.

Samuel tried to reach out and grab him, but kept sliding forwards, unable to stop. Mercy screeched, having fallen from her wall when Valkyrie found more important things to do, like saving her own life.

Samuel heard the screaming, the vulnerability. He smelt the fear. He bit into Mercy's thigh, shaking viciously like a shark, his claws raking into her torso. She screamed for a moment, but her body went into instant shock and fear, making her freeze. He pushed his claws in further, a crunching, snapping and wet tearing sound following those claws.

Mercy's body fell limply to the floor as she slipped into unconsciousness. Samuel leapt onto her, aiming to finish her off, but he glanced up and saw Valkyrie.

Dexter saw its eyes lock onto Valkyrie's scared ones. His protective, male, caveman instincts snapped on, and he stepped forwards to put himself first, energy surging from his hands and straight into the vampire's torso. The skin wasn't strong enough to cope with the immense power burning it, and it started to melt and burn away, a hole making its way right though his chest even as he screeched in pain.

Dexter didn't let go until his energy had passed right though the creature and hit the wall. He stopped instantly, breathing hard from his magical exertion.

He turned to Valkyrie, who stared at him in wonder and admiration. His chest puffed out a bit from pride. _I big man, I protect little lady_ , that instinct told him. He told it to shove off before he did something sexist and Valkyrie punched him and didn't talk to him for a month or two. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Grand, even. You? You're a bit… sweaty," she said, keeping her eyes on his so she wouldn't embarrass herself by blushing.

He looked down, noticed his shirt was covered in sweat and was sticking to his body in a way that made every line of his amazingly muscled body perfectly noticeable – and simply shrugged. "I'll wash it later," he said. "I'm okay."

She nodded and looked away. "You might want to call the Sanctuary," she said. "We need backup."

He nodded and went to do that. The fighting around the room seemed to stop all at the same time, leaving Saracen to run around with Vincent following him, everyone watching, the two not noticing because they were so absorbed in what they were doing. Saracen ran past Dexter on his way out of the building and Dexter punched Vincent in the face when he went to follow, effectively knocking him out.

Saracen panted and tried to thank his friend, but couldn't because he was so out of breath.

Skulduggery was searching for something. Erskine was looking around with confusion from his high-up position of standing on a chair – ignoring the higher, sturdier table – and Ghastly and Anton were standing together. All of the people against them were on the floor somewhere in some position of surrender, forced or otherwise. Except –

"Guys?" Valkyrie said. "Where's Sanguine?"

They looked around a bit and noticed that he wasn't there.

"He sunk," Erskine said. "He did his earth-swimming thing."

"You mean tunnelling?" Valkyrie asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah. That thing," Erskine replied, tossing something across the room and to Skulduggery, who caught it by the hilt in his one remaining hand. Sanguine's razor blade.

"Erskine, you imbecile, you can't throw an open blade across the room! You could have hurt someone!" Skulduggery shouted. "Don't be so stupid!"

"But you have no skin to cut," Erskine said, obviously confused.

"That's not the point, you oaf. It's a blade and you threw it across the room towards someone–"

"But it can't cut you," Erskine repeated. Valkyrie chucked to herself. Then-

A hand, arm, and part of a head and torso shot through the ground in front of Skulduggery, and snatched the blade he was gesturing to Erskine with right out of his hand, then sunk back away again. Valkyrie's heart thumped in her chest, the sounds of the rumbling suddenly very loud.

Sanguine jumped back out of the ground on the opposite side of the room to them, looking chuffed with himself. "Thank you for giving this back," he said cheerfully.

"What do you want?" Valkyrie growled to him.

"Oh, nothing really," he said. "I just needed my razor back."

"Why are you here? At all?" Valkyrie asked.

He sighed. "Why do you hate me so much, sunshine? I don't try to kill you that often, do I? No, never mind that right now. I'm here because I was asked to be. So I came and I did what I was told to and I'll just be leaving now."

"For free?" Skulduggery asked. "You don't work for free. You never have."

"Naw, this was 'cause I owed 'em a favour. They wanted to cash in, so I let 'em. But I don't need to stay for the same reason. See, they just said I had to fight with 'em against y'all. Didn't say a thing about killing, or even injuring for that matter. So I'll leave you in peace," he said. He put his razor away in his pocket and slid into the ground, fixing Valkyrie with a stare when he was just a head. "I won't attack you this time, lil' darlin', but next time, you better watch your attitude."

Sanguine sunk into the ground, and all was silent for a moment.

"Well, that was melodramatic," Valkyrie said.

"Don't move!" Dusk shouted.

He was holding a gun towards Valkyrie. He was standing next to a side door. It looked old and creaky.

"Don't move or I'll shoot!"

Everyone stayed still. Valkyrie's breath didn't hitch and her heartrate didn't increase, because she'd had too much drama and she trusted his aim wasn't good enough to hit flesh from that distance, and anywhere else couldn't kill her, so why bother being scared?

"Right. I'm going to open this door and leave – and you're not going to follow or kill me. We're going to part and I'll leave to some other area of the country – no, I'll leave the country. But don't follow me. Or I'll come back and kill you all," Dusk said, his teeth gritted against the change. "You know I can, and I will."

There was silence, and then, "Okay," Skulduggery said. "Leave."

Dusk nodded, and kept the gun trained on Valkyrie's head as he shoved his shoulder against the door and forced it to open. That accomplished, he glared at Valkyrie one last time and then ran for it.

Everyone breathed out a sigh. Dexter and the Cleavers suddenly burst into the room.

Everything went back to normal; on-scene paramedics saw to the Dead Men and the killers, even trying to fully mend Mercy with optimistic hopes of achievement but little motivation since they knew what she'd made a living out of. Skulduggery and Valkyrie made their way to each other, talked about what had happened, and decided that Dusk was sick of the heat on his tail and wanted to be a quick, clear way away from them. They decided to let him go, not wanting to trail him around the world.

Skulduggery ordered some poor men to look for his arm. Erskine wouldn't get down from his chair because he didn't want to be sunk into the ground by Sanguine, and had to be bribed by Valkyrie to come down. She eventually managed it, but something caught the corner of her eye.

Skulduggery's arm, hand still attached.

She grinned and snatched it off the floor, ran from Erskine, and waved to Ghastly to follow.

Outside, she gathered Dexter and Saracen. She spoke to them quickly and quietly. Grinning like the maniacs they truly were, they spotted Skulduggery and started to circle him like hyenas.

"What's going on?" Skulduggery asked slowly. Everyone around them backed away.

Valkyrie removed the arm from behind her back, waving it about.

Everything clicked into place in Skulduggery's mind. "Oh. No, Valkyrie, you don't have to do this. I promise I'll do whatever you want."

She pretended to consider. "And yet, this is still so much more appealing."

She tossed the arm over Skulduggery's head, Ghastly catching it easily. They laughed and carried on dancing around him. Ghastly threw it to Dexter, and Dexter to Saracen. Saracen threw it to Ghastly, who got it back to Valkyrie. The whole time, they laughed and teased and mocked, Skulduggery jumping around to catch it, his empty sleeve flapping wildly.

"Hey, this isn't fair! This is my arm, part of my actual body. Give it back! This is bullying, I'm sure of it," Skulduggery protested.

"How can this be bullying?" Saracen said. "It's hilarious and puts you down a few pegs. If anything, it's a service to the world."

They laughed again and Dexter caught the arm. "Come on, little piggy," he cooed at Skulduggery with an evil grin and a laugh. "Come and get your little armiekin."

Skulduggery went for it, but it went flying over his head and into Valkyrie's hands. She looked to Skulduggery and their eyes (well, eyes and eye sockets) locked onto each other's. They stayed frozen, each assessing the other's actions and motives, anticipating their next move.

"Give me the arm or I'll tell them your secret," Skulduggery warned in a dark voice.

Valkyrie's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Oh," he said. "I would."

He didn't mean her alter-ego secret. He didn't even mean her failed boyfriend secrets. He meant the other one. The one she didn't want even him to know about, but Gordon had told him to embarrass her. The one where her mother had dressed her up for crazy pageants and photo shoots of all themes since she was a baby, right up until nowadays. She looked at the arm – such a wonderful tool of amusement and fun. She looked at her friends, grinning and waiting for the arm and the story. Looked at Skulduggery – he was speaking the truth. He would tell.

She sighed, and passed the arm over, the other men and the crowd aww-ing and boo-ing at her.

She stuck her tongue out at them.

"You're mean," she told her partner.

"I'm clever," he reiterated.

She didn't grace him with a comment, just started to walk over to the Bentley. "Let's go to the Sanctuary," she called. The men picked themselves up and followed her to the road and their various cars.

They got in, as an unconscious but cuffed Vincent was carried out of the building and thrown into the back of a Cleaver's van. Mercy followed in a stretcher, fluids and other needles in her arms to keep her alive. Valkyrie didn't feel guilty that she had kind of hoped she'd died.

She crossed her arms and ignored Erskine, who'd got his walkie-talkie back.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed! This was one where myself and DeadGirl19 did half and half, I remember it. I hope you enjoyed!**


	6. Chapter 6 - Simple Minds

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

* * *

 **Chapter 6 – Simple Minds**

They all got into their cars, same as when arriving at the warehouse, and drove off back to the Sanctuary. It had just gone midnight, and the roads were quiet.

Valkyrie watched in the rear-view mirror as the two cars following the Bentley sped along behind them, then suddenly Saracen and Dexter's car veered off to the left, and turned onto another road. Frowning, she turned on the walkie-talkie.

"Dexter, Saracen, where the hell are you going?"

"What do you mean?" replied Saracen, confused.

"Why did you turn?"

"Is that not the right way...?"

"No. No, it isn't. For goodness sake, we're literally just driving in a straight line, and you can't even do that!"

"Alright, alright, calm down," came Dexter's voice. "Saracen, the silly little fool that he is, was unaware of his error. However, he apparently knows a shortcut."

"I do?" asked Saracen. There was harsh whispering from Dexter, and Saracen spoke again. "Oh yeah, I do, there's a, uh, a field, no, a road, a parallel road, going this way. We'll be there in no time!"

"See?" said Dexter. "Nothing to worry about."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "See you there, then. On time." She turned off the walkie talkie.

"Who are we interrogating tomorrow?" she asked Skulduggery.

"Vincent and Mercy. Obloquy, being the dumb idiot that he is, will be of no use to us. And all the others got away. Except for Samuel, who has gone to vampire hell."

"I want to interrogate Mercy," Valkyrie demanded. She was about to say more, when she noticed Ghastly, Anton and Erskine's car swerving violently left and right on the road. She turned the walkie talkie on again.

"Ghastly? Anton? You okay in there?"

All of a sudden, the walkie talkie in their car was turned on, and a mass of noise entered the Bentley. Skulduggery and Valkyrie listened to what was happening.

"Erskine. Erskine. ERSKINE!" Anton was yelling.

"Erskine, stop! Stop!" Ghastly was also shouting.

"ERSKINE RAVEL!" they yelled together, whilst Erskine cackled gleefully and sadistically in the background.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round," he sang, "round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long!"

"What the hell is happening?" Valkyrie asked loudly into the walkie talkie.

"This bloody fool that we have been burdened with has been singing nursery rhymes non-stop since we started driving," Anton complained.

"Whilst kicking our seats and poking our cheeks," Ghastly added.

"And he won't shut up!" Anton yelled.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a- hey, my singing is nice!" Erskine protested, and a quiet commotion could be heard in the background. Valkyrie look back at the car via the mirror, and realised with alarm that it had swerved so much that it was now on an entirely different road, and it had turned down a side street. She watched as the tail-lights vanished around the corner.

"Uh, Skulduggery..." Valkyrie said. Skulduggery followed her gaze and glanced in the mirror. He sighed, and took the walkie talkie from Valkyrie's hands.

"Ghastly, where are you going?"

Valkyrie could hear Ghastly curse on the other end. "Anton, we may have a problem..." he stated. Valkyrie heard Anton curse.

"ERSKINE RAVEL, YOU ARE DEAD," Anton growled, and the walkie talkie cut off.

Valkyrie sighed. "I'm sure they'll make it to the Sanctuary in the end. I hope."

Skulduggery looked at her. "Who's getting the food? After last time, I think it's best to be prepared."

"Damn, I hadn't thought about that." She turned on the walkie talkie. "Guys, who's getting the food?"

"Uh I don't know, Val, who wants to?" asked Ghastly, speaking loudly over the scuffle going on in the background.

"Not me," said Saracen, Dexter and Valkyrie together. Ghastly sighed.

"I hope you don't expect me to – I can barely drive in a straight line with all this commotion going on."

"Well, someone needs to get it," said Valkyrie, and the three all turned their walkie talkies off.

Valkyrie turned to Skulduggery, as Saracen turned to Dexter, and as Ghastly turned back to Erskine and Anton, who were brawling in the back seat. "Guys, we're getting the food," the three said.

Valkyrie and Skulduggery arrived in the Sanctuary first, and headed straight for Ghastly's office. Luckily, it had been left unlocked, so they walked in and made themselves comfortable, putting the three large pizzas they had bought on the table. They collapsed onto the leather sofas.

Half an hour later, Saracen and Dexter came in, carrying two large pizza boxes. They saw the pizza already on the table, and scowled.

"I thought we were getting the food!" Dexter said.

"I thought we were!" Valkyrie replied.

"Damn it," muttered Saracen. "I swear, if the other three have got pizza as well..."

Skulduggery laughed. "You lot are ridiculous! See the trouble I save by eliminating the need to eat?"

"It's not as if you chose not to be able to eat," Valkyrie snapped. They continued arguing until Ghastly, Anton and Erskine sauntered in, with not one, not two, but FIVE boxes of pizza.

"Oh my God, we've got ten large pizzas..." Valkyrie said.

Ghastly frowned. "No, that doesn't make sense. There's five on the table already, and we brought three, making eight."

"What? Ghastly, no, you're holding two, Anton's holding one, and Erskine's got another two," Dexter explained.

Ghastly and Anton whirled to Erskine, standing behind them. "Where the hell did you get those two pizzas from?" asked Anton, bewildered.

Erskine shrugged. "I dunno. I saw them on the counter, well, behind the counter, in the pizza shop, so I took them."

"You mean you stole them?" asked Skulduggery.

"No," said Erskine, as Ghastly and Anton said, "Yes."

"Let's get stuck in, then," Valkyrie sighed. At least they wouldn't go hungry tonight.

Skulduggery was reading Vincent and Mercy's files as the others ate, as well as some notes he had written up on their current case.

"Right," he said, attracting everyone's attention. "So, we're interrogating the following pieces of information out of Vincent and Mercy; their motives, as obviously this is key to preventing similar future occurrences. Also, why they picked the victims that they did, for identical reasons. Whether they hired help to do whatever they wanted to do, and whether there are any reinforcements or outer sources to carry on the plan without them, now that they have failed. Okay, guys? Hello? Are you listening to me? CHILDREN?"

They all looked at him guiltily. Valkyrie, Dexter and Erskine had been playing hot potato with a soggy piece of pizza no one wanted. Meanwhile, Ghastly and Anton had been making fun of Saracen, only promising to stop if he told them his power so they could use it to bribe Dexter.

"Did any of you hear a word I just said?" Skulduggery asked.

"You said 'children'," Anton replied helpfully.

"Did any of you hear a word I just said before I said 'children'?" Skulduggery amended.

They shook their heads.

He sighed. "I said, we need to interrogate..." he trailed off, because as soon as he had resumed explaining, they had started mucking about again. He sat back, and continued to read the files.

Suddenly, Erskine froze. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and looked at him sceptically.

"I have got such a good idea!" he exclaimed.

"Please," Skulduggery said, "enlighten us."

"Let's have..." He paused for dramatic effect, "a sleepover!"

Valkyrie grinned. "Yes! Let's have a sleepover here in the Sanctuary!"

Dexter and Saracen enthusiastically nodded. Ghastly raised an eyebrow.

"Guys, no. Just no."

"Oh come on, Ghastly, it'll be fun!" Valkyrie said. Skulduggery sighed.

"We all need to stick together and work out the interrogation organisations," he said, defeated. "And it's four against three. We're going to have to agree."

Anton looked like he was about to be sick. Ghastly looked like he was about to pass out.

"No..." Anton said faintly, and Valkyrie could've sworn he was turning a light shade of green.

"We can't," Ghastly stammered. "Not... Not with those four. We're gonna die!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic," Skulduggery said, waving his hand. "We'll be fine."

"Famous last words," Anton muttered.

"Let's get set up!" Erskine said, bubbling with excitement.

"THERE IS NO FLIPPING WAY YOU'RE HAVING A SLEEPOVER IN MY OFFICE, RAVEL!" Ghastly bellowed.

Erskine seemed momentarily stunned, but soon a massive grin took over his face.

"Everyone to my office!" And him, Valkyrie, Dexter and Saracen did the conga out of the room, followed grudgingly by Skulduggery, Ghastly and Anton and into Erskine's just-big-enough-for-seven-to-sleep communications office.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed this! There's one more chapter left and then that's it! Both myself and DeadGirl19 have a large, on DeadGirl19's part, and small selection of Dead Men fanfics, so check them out if you like this!**


	7. Chapter 7 - Cat Fight

**THIS STORY IS MADE IN COLLABORATION WITH DEADGIRL19 – YOU CAN FIND HER: /u/6294519/**

* * *

 **Chapter 7 – Cat Fight**

After enduring the worst night of his life, Skulduggery walked towards the interrogation room. Valkyrie and Saracen were already there, as he had taken a quick detour to see the Sanctuary psychics, so they could erase some of the details from last night out of his mind. He didn't want to be reminded of certain things ever again.

Skulduggery entered the interrogation room, where Vincent was seated at the table, hands cuffed in front of him. Skulduggery sat in the seat next to Valkyrie while Saracen was leant against the far wall.

"So, Mr Foe, if you choose to co-operate with us, your jail sentence will reflect that. However, if your attitude is a disgrace, the sentence will mirror that as well. Understand?"

Vincent looked at Skulduggery, an ugly sneer on his lips.

"Good," Skulduggery said. "Now, why did you choose those specific victims?"

Vincent sat back and didn't say anything. Skulduggery tilted his head.

"I repeat, Mr Foe, why did you choose those victims?"

"Demand me nothing. What you know, you know. From this time forth I never will speak word."

Valkyrie frowned. "Isn't that from Othello?"

Vincent scowled but remained silent.

"Oh come on, Iago, say something," Valkyrie moaned. This was no fun.

"Ok, Vincent, let's try another question," Skulduggery sighed. "Why exactly did you hire help? Was there something else planned?"

Vincent just looked at Skulduggery blankly. Saracen gave a low whistle. "Damn, that's a good poker face."

Skulduggery looked at his friend. "Saracen, why did they hire help?"

Saracen shrugged. "How am I supposed to know?"

"I thought you knew things," Valkyrie said.

Saracen sighed. "Yes. But most of that is silly little ridiculous stuff that doesn't need to be known. Like how you're hoping Skulduggery hasn't remembered about your training session later on today. In the rain."

Valkyrie scowled at Saracen. "Thank you for the reminder," Skulduggery said.

"Oh come on, Vincent," Saracen goaded. "Cat got your tongue after I kicked your arse?"

Vincent looked at him. "Last I remember, you were running away with your tail between your legs, screaming with fear, you fat oaf."

Saracen went red. "Hey – you just spoke!" he realised.

"Well, that doesn't count," Vincent said. "I will not speak again from now."

"For goodness' sake," Valkyrie said, annoyed. "We were getting somewhere. You were talking."

Vincent remained silent.

"Vincent, do not make this any harder for us. As I said, you will serve a longer sentence if you fail to co-operate," Skulduggery said.

"Saracen, anything to add?" asked Valkyrie.

"What – am I supposed to read his mind or something?" he muttered.

"Well, if you can't answer that, then did they have anything else planned?"

"I don't know," Saracen sighed.

"Is there anyone else waiting to carry the plan on without you?" Skulduggery questioned Vincent. However, the mercenary was retaining his passive composure, and merely blinked in response.

"Will you just give us a damn answer?" Valkyrie yelled with annoyance.

"Saracen, do they have any other help with their plan?" Skulduggery asked.

"I DON'T KNOW!" screeched Saracen, exasperated.

Dexter stared at the computer screen, on which he could see Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Saracen interrogating Vincent. Their voices blared through the speakers. Ghastly, Erskine and Anton were with him, and they were watching the interrogation because they had nothing better to do. It was their form of entertainment.

Dexter chuckled as Saracen yelled that he didn't know the answer to the interrogation questions. What an idiot. _I thought his power was knowing things?_ Dexter thought.

"Why exactly did they take Saracen with them?" asked Anton.

"He convinced them that his power would allow him to learn the answers to their questions, when really he just wanted to rub our victory in Vincent's face," Dexter smirked.

"But he was just running away from Vincent," Ghastly stated. "In fact, wasn't it you, Dexter, who ended up knocking Vincent out?"

Dexter nodded smugly. Erskine leaned forward.

"Hey, what does that button do?" he wondered aloud, pointing at a large, circular, bright red button.

"Which one?" Dexter asked, looking over. He cursed.

"Erskine, don't touch that – that's the power button!" he yelled.

"Huh?" said Erskine. He pushed the button.

The screen went black.

Dexter glared at Erskine. Anton glared at Erskine. Ghastly glared at Erskine. Erskine looked at the black screen.

"Um, guys, the image has gone away," he pointed out.

"Yes – because you pressed the flipping power button!" Anton yelled.

"Oh..." Erskine murmured.

A few moments later, Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Saracen walked into the room.

"How did it go?" asked Ghastly.

Valkyrie frowned. "I thought you were watching?"

Anton rolled his eyes. "We were, until this idiot," Anton smacked Erskine on the head, "turned the whole thing off."

"It was an accident," Erskine mumbled.

"We didn't find anything out," Skulduggery announced.

"Except that he likes Shakespeare," Saracen added.

"You were useless in there, Saracen!" Valkyrie said. "We brought you with us because you said that you could find out the truth from him, but you didn't help at all!"

"Saracen, you're banned from the next interrogation," Skulduggery said wearily. Saracen opened his mouth to protest, but at that moment, Tipstaff looked into the room.

"Detectives? Mercy Charient is ready for you in Room Three."

"Thanks," Valkyrie said. She turned back to Saracen. "Stay."

"I'm not a dog," he complained as she and her partner left.

They went straight to the correct room, and Skulduggery opened it, let Valkyrie in first, and closed it behind himself, turning the sign so it signalled the interrogation was underway. They sat down in front of Mercy. Her hair was unbrushed and unwashed, her skin pale, but she was alive and seemed to be recovering well.

"That's a lovely smile you have," Valkyrie said in an overly soft and sweet voice, referring to the ugly sneer on Mercy's face. "It really compliments your hair."

"Shut up, brat. At least I'm not still in training nappies and living with my mummy and daddy," Mercy snapped back.

Valkyrie took a sharp breath and Skulduggery intervened. "Now, now, let's not start this again. We just need you to answer some simple questions, and then you can leave, okay Mercy?" She said nothing, but looked at Skulduggery.

"So, why did you choose those specific victims?" he asked.

"Aw, you don't know? That's too bad, isn't it?" Mercy simpered.

"Mercy, just as I told your counterpart, your jail sentence will reflect your co-operation with this case and us personally. Why those victims?"

Mercy leaned forwards. "I'm not telling you, because this damn cow here–"

"Excuse me?" Valkyrie almost screeched. "You're about to be sent to jail for possibly the rest of your life, which makes you one of the lowest of the low. Don't start insulting me!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I just find you so difficult to ignore, since you just love sticking your disgusting nose into things!"

"Considering I've only been involved in two cases concerning you, this being one of them, you hardly have any reason to say that! And anyway, my nose is normal and lovely!"

"Your nose is big and covered in blackheads and spots."

"How dare you! My nose has nothing wrong with it! I think you're jealous of me. I think you wish you were pretty and perfect like me," Valkyrie said back smugly.

"Oh really, princess? Because although you're ugly and have a job which lets you pretend you're a saint no matter what you do, you got it because you bribed six different men into giving it to you."

Valkyrie gasped. If she hadn't been so shocked, she would have jumped across the table and slapped Mercy in the face. "How dare you. How. Dare. You. You disgusting little wretch. That's not true and even you know it, so you can just shut your cake hole. I'll have you know I worked bloody hard for this position so much so they had to bribe me! Just because you're horrid and ugly and don't even have a boyfriend or any friends doesn't mean–"

"Oh, just stop. I don't need to be lectured," Mercy sneered.

"Ah, yes, you don't like thinking, do you? You can't stand spending that much time with your brain," Valkyrie snarled.

In the monitor room, the five other men were rolling around laughing themselves silly. They had the volume up high so they could hear it over their noise. Even Anton was banging his fists against the table.

"Oh, my God," Erskine said. "Mercy is battering Val!"

"Nah, Valkyrie has Mercy in the bag! She's flattening her!" Dexter cried.

The door on the monitor slammed shut. They looked at the screen. The detectives had left and were seconds away.

"Everyone, the demon approaches!" Saracen squealed. They wiped their tears and sat back, trying to seem casual and normal. Anton turned down the volume on the monitor.

The door burst open and Valkyrie stormed in. Her eyes had gone almost black in her rage and her Necromancy ring had shadows swirling around it threateningly.

"Can you believe that moron? She's so stupid she can't even tell when she's completely wrong! Talking to her is even more a useless waste of time than when Beryl tried to make the twins eat vegetables while Fergus was passing them sweets under the table! She just screeches everything, she can't just talk. I would prefer to be stuck in a room full of snakes than her – she's so bloody annoying! Did you hear what she said? She said my nose was–"

"Big and spotty?" Erskine sniggered behind his hand. He was turned away from Valkyrie and didn't quite understand how mad she was.

"Excuse me?" Valkyrie said, low and dangerously.

Erskine sniggered again and Saracen started to as well, unable to hold back. "She said you were in nappies!"

The others tried to hide their smirks, but luckily Valkyrie was glaring at Erskine and Saracen only as they laughed.

"I think you should stop," Skulduggery warned his two friends. He didn't bother trying to hold Valkyrie back; he didn't want to insight her wrath.

"Why?" Saracen sniggered. "Is she going to have a tantrum?"

Valkyrie lost control and, with a growl, went at them. Saracen realised what was happening right before it did and dodged her hand, pulling Erskine out of his chair when he jumped up. They looked at Valkyrie's fury and paled a bit. There was a stare-off for a moment, but then Valkyrie sprang at them and they jumped away. The chairs surrounding her gave them a second's advantage and they barrelled out the door. Valkyrie followed them, screaming curses at them as she went.

It took a few minutes, but Valkyrie eventually came back nursing her fists and scowling a bit. The others stopped their conversation on what had happened in the case and what they had to report from the interview when she came back.

"You catch them?" Dexter asked.

"Only Saracen. I punched him a few times, but I'll think of a suitable punishment for them both later. Maybe I'll make them pay for a spa day for me or something nice. Then I won't feel like doing what the evil chick in Judge Dredd did to those three guys at the start."

Skulduggery nodded, thankful he wouldn't have to evacuate anyone from the country because A) his friends faced certain death, or B) Valkyrie had killed them and faced imprisonment.

"So," she said, feeling a bit better. "What's going on?"

"Well, we'll use the footage we have of Vincent's interrogation to show he was uncooperative, and he will certainly be charged with the murders. We all heard what Sanguine and Dusk said, so we have more evidence against them. We don't know why they chose the victims, but that doesn't really matter now that they've been caught. The same for Mercy, but that interrogation wasn't very professional, so it can't be used with the trial. I've already deleted it and all the evidence."

"Thanks," Valkyrie said, cutting in. "If that got leaked, I'd never hear the end of it."

The door suddenly creaked open a bit. "Pssst!" Erskine's voice came. "Is Val in there? She's trying to kill me!"

"Just come in," Ghastly said. "Everything's fine in here."

"Not if Valkyrie's there it isn't! She's taking her anger out on me for no reason! Any anyway, she did once have this massive spot on her nose, it was awful –"

Valkyrie launched herself out of her chair and practically flew to the door, flung it open and bared her teeth at Erskine, who took one look and started running. People jumped out of the way as Valkyrie ran after him, jumped on his back and pulled his arm back and over his head painfully.

"Say mercy and take that back!" she screamed at him.

"AAAGGGH! You're just making me say that because you like her name!" Erskine shouted, feeling stubborn.

People around them started laughing at their former Grand Mage and second Head Detective, and when the rest of the Dead Men caught up, they started taking pictures and recording it.

* * *

 **Aaaannd it's done! I hope you enjoyed!**

 **Again, please remember to look at DeadGirl19's stuff, this certainly wasn't a one girl effort, and thank you so much for reading our story!**


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